The River

I am a chronic pain sufferer. I don't know if I have ever said that before. I will not get into what my pain is besides my migraines but it is an issue that does not go away. It nags at you day after day and can take over your life. Pain killers do nothing. I have such a high tolerance to narcotics that they are like asprin to me. I have tried meditation, diet, vitamins, meds and lifestyle changes. I am not a religious person but I have prayed to God begging for mercy until I have passed out. I am about to undergo some minor procedures that will hopefully help and if they don't we are not sure what the next step will be.

I have always been the type of person who thinks most of a persons ailments are in their head. If you can control your mind you can control your pain. I believe I am relatively strong mentally. I have 4 children with some issues of their own and a husband with a dangerous job so I need to be. I cannot be sick. It isn't an option. My children all learned at early ages to walk softly when mommy has a headache and they all knew which pills were my migraine meds (childproof caps). My oldest daughter has had the biggest burden put on her. She watches over the younger ones and when necessary calls my mom if my husband is at work.

Last night as I lay on the bathroom floor I tried to float away on my thoughts. I knew that if I could just fade away for a bit I could get through the night and would be better in the morning. It didn't work. I kept worrying that if one of the kids woke up they would be too scared seeing me in the bathroom. I made my way to my bedroom which is in the basement and passed my husband on the way. His look of worry made me realize how bad I must look because he's pretty good at hiding any emotion. Finally I made it to bed and slept fitfully until this morning.

When I woke up this morning my first thought was my children. Did my husband get Megy to basketball on time? Had Chase finished cleaning his room yet....(we're going on 30 straight days of him doing it). Was Jessi back from my parents? What kind of mood is Danie in? Then came the fear that if I moved I would start to hurt again. So I didn't move. I closed my eyes, breathed deeply and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up I went through the same process but this time I looked at the clock and it was noon. Knowing that I couldn't stay in bed all day I tried to get up but fear is a powerful thing. Now understand, I do not have a disease that is slowly killing me. As far as I know it is just pain that the doctor thinks he may know where it's coming from but until further testing... sorry about my luck. Along with pain there are other physical symptoms that I am not getting into ..but I am getting off topic.... I lay back down and decided to visualize a river. This is where my river analogy comes from.

Life is a river. There are big waterfalls in your life that can completely change the way the current pulls you. Rocks you will bump into that will either be a minor pain or can destroy you. Fish that will nibble your toes. It's up to you whether you acknowledge them or not. Beautiful scenery that can go by unnoticed or can be appreciated for what it is..an accent to your life. Logs that can block your way or be used to help you float through the tougher areas. Then there are the rapids. Everyone has experienced a time in their life when everything seems to be going faster than they seem to be able to handle but there is always smooth sailing at the end.

As I thought about the river I thought about how each of my children would handle the river. I'll start with my son Chase(3). He's a floater. He floats down the river in his inner tube laughing at the fish nibbling on his toes, pointing out the scenery, grabbing a piece of log for his collection, pushing off a rock, joyfully cheering through the rapids, and grabbing hold of his inner tube tight as he goes over the waterfall. Jessi(2) is a floater/thrasher. She will float on her tube, point out something Chase didn't see in the scenery, stub her toe on a rock, get a sliver on a log, pull her feet up when she sees fish, flip her tube in the rapids and thrash down the waterfall but land back on her tube. Danie(1) is a swimmer. She'll toss the tube back at you because it's not fast enough. Fish would be something gross that she flew by in the water. The rocks and logs would be mere obstacles that she could dive beneath or go around. Scenery is something that she could look at while she was flipped on her back to take a breath. The rapids and waterfall would just be ways for her to finish faster and first. Last but not least is Megan(4). She is a swimmer with 1 foot still stuck in the tube. The scenery would intrigue her while she took a break but not if it kept her from being first. The fish would be something fun to try and catch but not if she had to use her own toes as bait. Logs and rocks would just be a starting blocks for her, but she would still want to jump on the tube for the rapids and waterfall to join Jessi and Chase.

Now how would I handle the river? I know I'm not a floater, a swimmer or a thrasher. I would have to say that I have been a bit of each at different times in my life. As I realized this I knew that I could either let the unknown of the pain take over or get up and transplant myself to the chair upstairs where I could at least boss my kids around until I felt good enough to start another round of laundry and clean the house. Needless to say I am typing this and periodically bossing my kids around. Monday starts my minor procedures that will hopefully come up with a diagnoses for a curable disease not something that we will just have to "manage". To those of my friends that have been effected by a disease my heart goes out to you. By no way am I trying to demean the pain you go through or have gone through. This is just the way I am going through mine.