The River

I am a chronic pain sufferer. I don't know if I have ever said that before. I will not get into what my pain is besides my migraines but it is an issue that does not go away. It nags at you day after day and can take over your life. Pain killers do nothing. I have such a high tolerance to narcotics that they are like asprin to me. I have tried meditation, diet, vitamins, meds and lifestyle changes. I am not a religious person but I have prayed to God begging for mercy until I have passed out. I am about to undergo some minor procedures that will hopefully help and if they don't we are not sure what the next step will be.

I have always been the type of person who thinks most of a persons ailments are in their head. If you can control your mind you can control your pain. I believe I am relatively strong mentally. I have 4 children with some issues of their own and a husband with a dangerous job so I need to be. I cannot be sick. It isn't an option. My children all learned at early ages to walk softly when mommy has a headache and they all knew which pills were my migraine meds (childproof caps). My oldest daughter has had the biggest burden put on her. She watches over the younger ones and when necessary calls my mom if my husband is at work.

Last night as I lay on the bathroom floor I tried to float away on my thoughts. I knew that if I could just fade away for a bit I could get through the night and would be better in the morning. It didn't work. I kept worrying that if one of the kids woke up they would be too scared seeing me in the bathroom. I made my way to my bedroom which is in the basement and passed my husband on the way. His look of worry made me realize how bad I must look because he's pretty good at hiding any emotion. Finally I made it to bed and slept fitfully until this morning.

When I woke up this morning my first thought was my children. Did my husband get Megy to basketball on time? Had Chase finished cleaning his room yet....(we're going on 30 straight days of him doing it). Was Jessi back from my parents? What kind of mood is Danie in? Then came the fear that if I moved I would start to hurt again. So I didn't move. I closed my eyes, breathed deeply and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up I went through the same process but this time I looked at the clock and it was noon. Knowing that I couldn't stay in bed all day I tried to get up but fear is a powerful thing. Now understand, I do not have a disease that is slowly killing me. As far as I know it is just pain that the doctor thinks he may know where it's coming from but until further testing... sorry about my luck. Along with pain there are other physical symptoms that I am not getting into ..but I am getting off topic.... I lay back down and decided to visualize a river. This is where my river analogy comes from.

Life is a river. There are big waterfalls in your life that can completely change the way the current pulls you. Rocks you will bump into that will either be a minor pain or can destroy you. Fish that will nibble your toes. It's up to you whether you acknowledge them or not. Beautiful scenery that can go by unnoticed or can be appreciated for what it is..an accent to your life. Logs that can block your way or be used to help you float through the tougher areas. Then there are the rapids. Everyone has experienced a time in their life when everything seems to be going faster than they seem to be able to handle but there is always smooth sailing at the end.

As I thought about the river I thought about how each of my children would handle the river. I'll start with my son Chase(3). He's a floater. He floats down the river in his inner tube laughing at the fish nibbling on his toes, pointing out the scenery, grabbing a piece of log for his collection, pushing off a rock, joyfully cheering through the rapids, and grabbing hold of his inner tube tight as he goes over the waterfall. Jessi(2) is a floater/thrasher. She will float on her tube, point out something Chase didn't see in the scenery, stub her toe on a rock, get a sliver on a log, pull her feet up when she sees fish, flip her tube in the rapids and thrash down the waterfall but land back on her tube. Danie(1) is a swimmer. She'll toss the tube back at you because it's not fast enough. Fish would be something gross that she flew by in the water. The rocks and logs would be mere obstacles that she could dive beneath or go around. Scenery is something that she could look at while she was flipped on her back to take a breath. The rapids and waterfall would just be ways for her to finish faster and first. Last but not least is Megan(4). She is a swimmer with 1 foot still stuck in the tube. The scenery would intrigue her while she took a break but not if it kept her from being first. The fish would be something fun to try and catch but not if she had to use her own toes as bait. Logs and rocks would just be a starting blocks for her, but she would still want to jump on the tube for the rapids and waterfall to join Jessi and Chase.

Now how would I handle the river? I know I'm not a floater, a swimmer or a thrasher. I would have to say that I have been a bit of each at different times in my life. As I realized this I knew that I could either let the unknown of the pain take over or get up and transplant myself to the chair upstairs where I could at least boss my kids around until I felt good enough to start another round of laundry and clean the house. Needless to say I am typing this and periodically bossing my kids around. Monday starts my minor procedures that will hopefully come up with a diagnoses for a curable disease not something that we will just have to "manage". To those of my friends that have been effected by a disease my heart goes out to you. By no way am I trying to demean the pain you go through or have gone through. This is just the way I am going through mine.

Trials and Tribulations of a 13 year old girl

Friday, August 08, 2008
Trials and tribulations of a 13 year old girl
The trials and tribulations of a 13 year old girl are different now than they were 20 years ago. When I had a fight with someone we sent nasty notes, maybe a prank phone call, shoulder bump in the hallway. If you were really unlucky the girl and her friends would follow you around at the strip mall/ movies and threaten to kick your butt but luckily your mom or dad always picked you up in time. No matter what it seemed liked someone had your back though. Your group may have divided over something major like "she likes your boyfriend" but in the end your closest friends stayed with you. That was before A.I.M., texting, and myspace where a conversation you have whether it was in confidence or sarcastic can be copied and sent to your whole school in a matter or minutes. Girls no longer hate you for a couple of days and then forget about it. Now they hate you and make sure that everyone on your "friends" list knows what happened and hates you too. This results in an onslaught of "why did you,how could you" messages that really are noone's business. Then the ultimate happens and you start to get blocked from people's lists. During the school year this is bad but the next day you go to school and talk to people. In the summer it is torture because if you don't live by people you don't see/talk to them because god forbid you pick up an actual real life phone to call someone. I have suggested the call and invite the friend over to talk out the problem approach. Even as I type this it can hear my teen self sigh in annoyance. This of course was met with an eye roll and a "we don't do that". I'm realistic. I know that the only thing that ends this kind of torment is someone backing down or moving away. Being the type of mom I am I have raised my 13 year old to be a leader not a follower and moving away isn't really an option. Do you take away the computer so they don't see the constant nastiness just to give them a break, or do you let them deal with it themselves. We always had a friend who acted like a go-between to smooth things over. That doesn't seem to be real common anymore.I for one am trying the whole "let her deal with it on her own" thing right now. I bite my tongue, sit on my hands and tell myself to keep quiet and let her deal with it her own way. You would be amazed how well I can still talk while biting my tongue. Hopefully these episodes will fade away forgotten and unimportant within a week or so like they did way back when. Well, maybe not forgotten....... School starts in a little over a week and new dramas will unfold. More messaging, texting, commenting and it will start all over again.

Will my kids be in the Olympics?

Sunday, August 10, 2008
Will my kids be in the Olympics?
I've been watching the Olympics the past few days, just like every other person in the world, and I can't help but dream that my kids will be there someday. I'm sure that every parent has looked at their child and known that they have the ability to be a superior athlete and bring home the gold. Then I blink and realize that it is probably something like 1 in a thousand of the best athletes go. They probably have a better chance of being hit by lightning.
I have 4 kids and between them they swim, run cross country, throw discus, do hurdles, play softball, baseball, t-ball, wrestle, run track, football, and 1 is going to start gymnastics. Will she be my Mary Lou Retton? They do that many sports you would think that at least 1 of them could get their Mom an Olympic gold. I am relatively sure that I could have brought home a gold or at least a silver in gymnastics. That is if I had ever been a competitve gymnast and got over my fear of smashing my face on the floor.
The real people who deserve the medals are the parents. They are the ones who have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on lessons, putting them on teams, GAS, sports equipment. Not to mention the years they sat on bleachers in gymnasiums, by swimming pools, through rain and windstorms at baseball parks(flashback). Always cheering and encouraging no matter what.
Will I be there to watch my kids someday? Probably not. Will I keep dreaming that I WON THE GOLD when Mary Lou Retton did..... definetly.

Parent Involvement

Thursday, August 14, 2008
Parent Involvement
I spent 7 hours today at the junior high helping with orientation for the 7th graders. I sat at a table answering questions, taking PTO dues and Bobcat wearables money. Two other moms were also helping. These 2 moms are women that like myself always make themselves available when needed. I realize that I am more active volunteer wise than most. I am more active then probably 95% of the parents in my kids school but I am still shocked by comments some parents make.
Just about every kid that went to Kenwood I greeted by name. Most of them I have known since they were in Kindergarten because they are a year behind Danie. A hand full of parents asked me how I knew their kids and were ticked off that I knew personal things about them, (who they had for a teacher last year, who their friends with). The weird thing, but not surprising, is that these were the same parents that I had never seen. In 7 years of being at the same school I had never seen any of them at any school activity. Now I realize that I am very lucky because I am a stay at home mom so I can be at the school when needed and go on all of the field trips and that most can't. I also know that I am not going to see everyone all the time but come on.
My job as a mom is to know what my kids are doing and who they are hanging around with. In my opinion that includes knowing as much as I can about their friends and the kids in their classes. If that makes me "nosy" I really don't care. I think that it makes me safe and realistic. My kids are not going to tell me everything forever, but hopefully their friends will trust me enough that if someone is in trouble they will know they can come to me.
I do not have patience for parents that are ignorant. There was a woman who reeked so strongly of alcohol that the person talking to her stepped back. She was 2 hours late for orientation. There were kids outside yelling and cussing like they were at a bar. When their parents came in it made sense. Their parents all looked like they had just rolled out of bed with hangovers.
PARENT INVOLVEMENT..... I'm not perfect but I sure as hell will try my best.
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Picture Day

Friday, September 05, 2008
PICTURE DAY
Picture day.... the torment of parents the world over. I HATE picture day. Our school has 2 a year but the first is the most important because it is in the yearbook. I realize that some parents probably just put clothes on their kids and let whatever will be will be, but not me. I don't actually take my kids anywhere to get family pictures taken so this is my chance. Usually I have outfits picked out days in advanced along with hair accessories and shoes. Not this year.
Last night I was looking at Danie's school picture which was taken a few days before school started. I noticed how nice the white and navy she was wearing looked with the grey background and I had an epiphany. Everyone will wear the same colors. Chase will wear a navy polo. Jessica a navy tank top with a white blouse over it. Megy a white and navy tank with a thin white cardigan. (Danie wore a white tank with a navy v-neck top). Fantastic! The plan is made, now all I have to do is find the clothes. I spent half an hour rummaging through dirty clothes before I realized Jessi doesn't have a white top, or a navy tank. No problem, she can wear one of Megan's. Poor Chase originally was going to wear a red polo until I looked at last years picture and it was the red polo. So at 7:00 Danie and I go to Walmart (gasp) and get a navy polo and white top. The clothes are now set.
I got up early to get everyone eating before I did carpool for Danie. Megy cried the whole way to the car and most of the way thru carpool. I got home and thank goodness Chase is in the shower. Immediately Megan spills her cereal all over the floor. I looked at the dog hoping she would help but evidently she doesn't like Fruity Pebbles. I started curling Jessi's hair while the bathroom was still crazy humid from Chase's shower but I was trying to beat the clock so I didn't care. Megan comes in to brush her teeth and I realize she has a fever. This is where I have to sit back and say what is more important, my babies health or her being in her Kindergarten class picture. So I told her how proud I was of her that she was the only one being good not giving me problems, hoping that would work and she wouldn't freak out when she saw that I changed her outfit, and told her to go get dressed. She can be sick tomorrow but there is only one Kinder class picture.
Jessi's hair took twice as long as planned with a can of hairspray and we ended up throwing in a headband. When I finished she told me she has gym before pictures. Have I said yet that I hate Picture Day?
Megy comes in to get her hair curled and that was pretty uneventful put I did get her in the eye with glitter spray. She asked me to do it to the other side so it looked like makeup. I did.
They grabbed their backpacks and I realized that I never filled out their picture forms. $112 later and they stood waiting by the door because of course it started to sprinkle. I looked at all of them and apologized for how grumpy I was knowing that it would happen again in a few months for pre-spring pictures. I gave kisses and compliments. Tucked a collar, fixed a headband and away they went. I watched them go with great relief because Picture Day for me is over. The pictures will come and Chase's hair will probably be parted right in the middle of his forehead, Jessi's hair will be straight and limp, and sweet Megy will probably be looking at the camera like all she wants to do is sleep.
Why do I obsess about it you ask? To completely understand you would have to see my school pictures. Crooked glasses, hair sticking straight up, polyester outfits, big yellow bangs, blue eyeshadow. That is just a sample of my pictures through the years. The only good picture of me is my Senior picture and I'm pretty sure it's because they digitally enhanced it. We'll see what the kids say when they get home. I just realized that I forgot to tell everyone to smile. I guess there is always retakes.